What Can This Second Job Do For You?

I have been gone, far gone, for some time my friends.  I had assumed this blog had died a slow and untimely death.  Unbeknownst to me it was silently growing!
So here I am to discuss something we all know is an issue, is always an issue, and to delve more deeply into the idea that this wedding stuff is a second freaking job.

Now, I have already admitted to you all that we cheated (cheated, I say!) and hired a destination planner.  Who (as I will discuss in a timely manner) is worth her absolute weight in gold!* And so since we have her doing all of the leg work  what did we do?  We took all of the time and energy we would have spent on logistics and started throwing it into making everything else as unbelieveably complicated as possible.

So.  We were advised a while back that sometimes it's easiest to think about the feel of your wedding (FEEL, see APW) if you have a theme to center it around.  Now, most normal folks might say "oh, cool!  We met jogging so we'll make it a marathon theme with bibs as table numbers" or other such awesomesauce.
Not us.  We, an engineer and a sociologist/palpable lover of classic and modern literature-person, decide on art and science.  So we spend all of our free seconds trying to figure out the coolest possible brain games, twists, and creative plans to inject these hobbies/loves/fabrics of our beings into the wedding. Why?  Because it's fun.  Right?  RIGHT?!

Enter: Second occupation.  And here's the real rub, you guys.  Having a second occupation where you get to recognize and capitalize on the stuff you love the most is fun but it is work and ne'er the two shall meet.  And this is the part where Lovey and I are starting to really learn about each other.  He is a design genius.  Meticulous.  Careful.  Precise.  And I am known as the Tasmanian Devil.  I want it ALL, I have a million ideas and I want it NOW.  Well, I don't, actually, but that's what I communicate that can very easily generate week-long household meltdowns that then bluster over into any other such concern we might have about lord-knows-what in the world.  Usually ending in my begging for world peace and him going to work on the motorcycle.

So I am becoming a proponent of the aspect of the WIC whereby you self-induce a plethora of "tough decisions" that you and your lovey have to get through in order to be able to call yourselves committed forever.  I happen to think the WIC is like hazing for marriage.
Am I the Tasmanian Devil and is it unhealthy to jump between projects lackluster and flittingly like Dora The Explorer on PCP?  Well I don't know.  Does he need to Be an A+ student for the world of our wedding logo design (I know, I can see your epic eye roll from here.  But, c'mon guys...it's a really cool design and I'm going to use it for some other stuff Im doing on the side and we hope it will save us some g's, ok?  No judging.)

So I don't know.  We created a second job for ourselves even after divesting half of the work of the wedding in the first place and I am selfishly charging ahead with all of these ideas while he, as he has said "gets in the cab behind mine and shouts "follow that cab!""
But will we learn from this experience?  Yes.  I hope that we develop some new skills, new ways of working as a team, new experiences together.  I hope we fight over it and duke it out and I hope I don't get exactly what I want every time.

Because a second job working with the one person you are about to spend a lifetime with has benefits that might reach way beyond a 3D origami save the date.  (oh, we did.  And we will post it for you.)




*Which, according to the latest estimate by Warren Buffet, isn't actually worth much at all so let's say maybe she's worth her weight in so many invisible money dollars that it obtained mass!

The Pain of Other's Pain

There's a transcendent quality to the experiences you have while you are planning your wedding.  And it permeates particularly during painful moments.  In fact I think all of your emotions become conflated because all of your feelings are present at all times.  And no wonder we suffer full on anxiety over it, we're constantly doing this: FIGHT "Need to maintain my composure while my card gets swiped for the billionth time today" FLIGHT "Why Am I not happy enough right this second?  This is my birdal shower.  I'm exhausted." FIGHT "Augh I really can't stand lace so NO LACE DRESSES" FLIGHT "God, it's so scary to think that Aunt May is going to bring up the time I fell in the toilet when I was 8."
Exhausting!


I thought I was doing my loved ones a favor by not having a bridal party.  No stress, I said.  No pressure, I said.  But then it was all flipped on its head.  Someone that means a lot to me somehow got left out.

Cost Creep: Reconnaissance

The Industry says you have to take a minimum 1 to 2 trips to your destination wedding location prior to the wedding weekend to do the million things you are supposed to do.  Namely: sign your life and bank account away while enjoying the location that you are going to return to again in a few short months to be married at, taking a little bit of the shine and romance off of said location.

BAH.

Unfortunately for this one, I think the Industry has it right.  We are escaping a lot of headaches having a planner but this especially applies if you choose to plan it yourself.
Of course, if you are doing a very intimate and decidedly low maintenance Dwedding this might not be as necessary, or you can minimize the number of trips.  BUT if you intend to bring a family of 30 or more, they say you may want to do a little recon before you show up for the big day.

If you don't work these trips either into your annual vacation budget OR the actual wedding budget, you will be in for a lot of hurtin'.
So here I will repeat the advice that I will give all over the blog.  Travel smart and travel cheap.

Before I met my FI I had traveled solo a few times and I found hostels very appealing for a lot of reasons, but not least among them that I got to save SO MUCH money by having a kitchen available.  So I carry this into our wedding planning process by being a big advocate of finding rental apartments or condos or even considering staying at a hostel.
Inexpensive accommodations outright are for the win.  Ability to cook your own food while traveling  HUGE win!

I will return to post reputable global property rental sites but be it known, fellow Dweds and would-be Dweds: Account for reconnaissance!

What To Eat While You are Busy Doing Other Things

I am concerned that "Wedding Food" has become distinctly counter cultural for many of us.
See, I not so unwittingly immediately fell on the "am I pretty enough to get married?" knife and haphazardly decided I wanted to lose a little weight before finding a dress.  So as I was falling I researched healthful living programs and chose one to stick to for 30 days.  During this experience I came to realize that food represents so very much in and about us, be it our lifestyle (quick!  Hurry!  I need to eat something before my meeting!), our relationships (My mom would like to make us your favorite pie when we go to visit) to our own reflections of self (making healthful or cultural food choices or spending time to sit down to our meals).  I didn't expect that the not pretty enough to get married complex would open up an entirely different relationship with something that I had always taken for granted, and that made me curious about what is arguably the most important meal of our lives.

I believe we all have developed a culture around food in some form or another.  And many times one or the other partner in the wedding planning process finds that they care about what kind of food they will have.  Here is my concern.  Food is the single largest investment you will make on your wedding day and I get the sense that many of us feel compelled to have food represent our image of what a wedding should be, rather than a reflection of who we are.  And within the nature of the wedding today, as designed around exhalation of abundance, food has a very central (and expensive) role.  For those of us opting for a sit down dinner reception (or brunch, or breakfast, or desserts) we are often expected to treat it with a cool indifference while our checkbooks cry quietly in the corner and the cultural meaning of food, that we abide by every other day, sits idly by.

The FI and I have two entirely different cultural backgrounds and therefore viewed food in exact opposite.  To him, and I suspect many, food is the gathering point for the family.  It dominates their discussions and provides a safe haven of conversation.  It brings them all together around a counter, or a cutting board, or a table, and it enlivens their entire day.  It is a tool that enhances and highlights their love.  Coming from my background I had a few mental trips before I could understand what it really meant to them.  
If you are like my fiance or have had a surprising personal experience with it on your way to the not-good-enough complex, you probably feel like the food setup around weddings sucks the life out of what could be one of the more joyful details of the day.

So we developed one rule for our reception:  We do not care how "ugly" our food is.  We do not care about offering an obligatory steak, fish, and poultry option.  We will have food that our families love, food that is meaningful to us, and food that everyone can enjoy.  Or not, if they so choose.  We will fight for this, whether it means pushing vendors to modify contracts to accommodate a cultural dish from another source or requesting our families help to prepare something in advance.  We will let this feast imbue the meaning of togetherness in whatever raw form it comes in, and not allow our fear of imperfection take away from something that is otherwise a large part of our lives.

Raise Up Family Style!  Raise Up Buffet!  Raise Up Potluck!  Raise Up Indian and Trinidadian and Thai and Italian and German foods.  Raise up a plate of Christmas cookies that your mother baked every year while you were growing up, where just their scent brings you the warmth and safety and joy of youth.
See.  To us, food is personal.  And we take its presence on our wedding day very personally.

Do You?

Weddings as Technology

So this past weekend I took a few of my girlfriends with me to a "Bridal Expo."
Truth.  Here's what my expectations were: a well-constructed, organized exposition with models traipsing among listless and google-eyed brides, offering tiny hors d' ouevres and accouterments whilst chatting up some business about their select gown.  Perhaps a few spokespeople for the industry, all wearing black with proper name tags, available to provide pointers, tips, and tricks on how to make the so-called big day a wonderful and meaningful experience.  Consultations, perhaps.  Maybe a few recommendations.

And I quickly learned that I am apparently living on Europa somewhere with my brains cells asphyxiating on sulphites.

Instead we shoved our way through masses of mostly disengaged,  unhappy people elbowing each other to access the  pounds and pounds of infinitely available cake and dodged vendors that were literally screaming at us to come look at their $800 pieces of paper.  Booths were pounding ear blistering solicitations for local DJ's in the form of Gangnam Style on repeat, a poorly produced "fashion show" was going on...somewhere...and every other stranger offering you their wares seemed only a wee bit interested in you as a person.  Rather, they were interested in selling you their business.  The dream.  The wish.  The fallacy.  Of the perfect wedding.

My girlfriends and I were mortified within seconds of walking in the door, our prior excitement drowned  immediately in chaos and disorder. But by the time I paused at the Lipo Suction booth (Yes.  The Lipo Suction Booth...because, no, you are actually never attractive enough to get married) I was downright conflicted.  Was I standing smack dab in the middle of a mass exploitation of a conjured and completely false reality at the expense of unsuspecting women?  Or was I simply standing with a bunch of well-intention-ed men and women looking to drum up business and make a little extra (or all) income?

The answer sat squarely between the two but what I fail to answer while the rumination rotates around my skull is: how did we get here?  Granted, half of the problem was my own set of unattainable expectations, but I immediately sensed that my group of friends had that same uneasy feeling.
When I have moments that like it reminds me of that really horribly ingenious movie "Idiocracy," and then I proverbially combust under the words of Carl Sagan.

“We've arranged a global civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.”

I am a sociologist, bear with me.  In the case of the Wedding Industrial Complex, as it were, and all of the associated contrived traditions, there is an emerging psychological/anthropological sort of technology.  Nobody understands why it is there.  Nobody knows what it is doing there.  But we know that it is there.  And we choose not to escape from it because it feels so, so good.
And, who knows?  Perhaps it is exactly because we feel so drowned out by the noise of our literal technocratic society that there is a larger sense or ego that drives us toward recognition, comfort, affirmation.   And in order to achieve this end-the end being a function of time our loved ones engage on this effort with us, or amount of money spent, or appearances-the means are the Industry.  To feel whole-as women, as wives, as progressives even-we must become a part of the machine.

Well.  Think I just blew my own mind.  Merlot, please.

But there was a pretty baller car sitting outside, so that was nice.  Note:  Phone in hand.  You know, perhaps I am drowning a little, too.

Big Cost Creep: The Other Reception

There is a simple line of thought that tends to come up when we decide to host a destination wedding, both from our own relationships and the "necessaries" imposed upon us by the Industry.

It sounds like this: "If I am not going to have all of these extended people attend my DWedding (acquaintances, friends, colleagues, my cousin that happens to live a few miles away, and so on) when else can I give them an opportunity to celebrate with me? I should definitely have a big engagement party!"
Oh, dear.

Enter: Wedding Reception #2.


If you live in a big city, and chances are you do if you are planning a Dwedding, and you want to just head out with about 30 or 50 of your buddies to the nearest bar for happy hour, then great!  It should be simple!  Maybe Aunt June will plan it for you and it will be a great event!

Sit down.  Take a deep breath.  This might not be so easy.

D-Wed Hacked Series

D-Wed Hacked is (hopefully) going to be a weekly series where I will do my best to provide you with planning tips and tricks that will ideally save you some time, energy, money, friendships, and maybe a few tears.

Personally I am obsessed with the idea of hacking stuff.  Every day stuff.  Pinterest is loaded with shampoo bottle cell phone charger hooks for outlets and Ikea schmurtergoff tables used as a baby crib.  I cannot get enough of it.  People are genius.

I cannot promise genius but I can promise some skills pulled from my other career that might help us distill out a lot of the fluff around wedding planning and get to what matters.
The Hacked series will include both basic and not-so-basic travel tips and guides for navigating the endless (and boring) wedding to-do lists, the unique nature of the destination budget planners, very doable ways to save money, and any other random ideas I have about getting the biggeset bang for your energy/financial buck.

DWedding brides have a slightly different set of responsibilities (and perhaps desires!) than marriedathome brides so why not sort through what these are and how to best address them?  I will also capitalize on ideas from A Practical wedding...there it is...again...and apply them to the d-wed world.
I would also LOVE to hear your suggestions.  The D-Wed world is not just for would-be vacation lovers but anyone that figured out how to hack the world of weddings-events that we all lovehate.

Ready?  Set.  Hack.